in the free fall i will realise

Saturday, January 28, 2012

i'll just observe life.

like i usually do by the sidelines.

♥ 12:36 AM

this is the place i rant without caring what others think because i know no one reads this.

don't blame me if i don't trust you when you say 'being fat isn't that bad' because guess what?

you're freakin skinny.

and don't act like you don't stare at us fat people and feel grossed out.

i know this is such a bitchy thing to do but whatever.

i just want to stop being fat.

it's the worst thing in my life.

the only thing keeping me from being happy.

and i've been stuck in this dark place for 4 years.

i'd rather not exist than be fat.

but it's too late.

i've come to the point where i even admire the anorexics.

i hate myself.

i hate everything.

i hate this world.

at least i made sure i didn't swear in this post.

♥ 12:08 AM

Sunday, January 08, 2012

getting back Os results tomorrow.

i still wonder what true faith is.

i'm not sad,

but i just want to be truly happy

you know like have a reason or even no reason to just be joyful

and crazy.

things in this world that seem like the best can really be the worst,

so silly yearning for things that don't matter in the end,

but only to the foolish eyes.

so i see.

but i am not enlightened.

there are so many things to think about.

i am tired,

but sleep doesn't help much anymore.

what is this feeling called?

♥ 11:00 PM

Monday, January 02, 2012

God you are my hope in this world that often proves hopeless to me.

♥ 1:14 AM

Sunday, January 01, 2012

seek first His kingdom....

God first. always.

Labels: just that simple.

♥ 11:29 PM

Friday, December 02, 2011

You are good, You are good
When there's nothing good in me
You are love, You are love
On display for all to see
You are light, You are light
When the darkness closes in
You are hope, You are hope
You have covered all my sin

You are peace, You are peace
When my fear is crippling
You are true, You are true
Even in my wandering
You are joy, You are joy
You're the reason that I sing
You are life, You are life,
In You death has lost it's sting

Oh, I'm running to your arms,
I'm running to arms
The riches of your love
Will always be enough
Nothing compares to Your embrace
Light of the world forever reign

♥ 11:10 PM

Monday, November 07, 2011

why do i want so much, what i shouldn't yearn so badly for.

Labels: i don't even know my depth anymore

♥ 4:52 AM

really wish

truly hope

i need to be

Labels: skinny. slim. toned. pretty.

♥ 4:45 AM

Saturday, August 13, 2011

♥ 6:44 PM

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Labels: Fuck. Meaningless frustration

♥ 7:04 PM

Labels: Why is it so hard to feel beautiful where if it doesn't count that much?

♥ 6:30 PM

Monday, June 06, 2011

can i just say i respect people who put in proper effort for proper reasons with proper character ALOT. A WHOLE LOT.

athletes, dancers, students, authorities, musicians, chefs, doctors, nurses, artists, architects, even construction workers and domestic helpers.

i think some deserve loads of respect,

and i'd gladly show it.

Labels: humanity

♥ 2:40 AM

Monday, April 18, 2011

the fact that i am always not knowing anything feels so bad yet i know for a fact that uncertainty isn't bad.

the constant paradoxical feelings i get almost everyday makes decisions so tough they no longer feel like options and makes me think so hard i lose my head.

Labels: figuratively

♥ 9:52 PM

faith, hope, trust.

it's weird i'm wondering now after so many years.

suddenly it's all a little patch blur.

small patch, big impact.

i'm always wondering if things are wrong or right, what if there's no such thing as a wrong or right in certain circumstances?

This may be a dilemma..intrapersonal conflict between choices that are shifting from wrong to right to right to wrong, when maybe, there’s no right or wrong. So am I just being an idiot? Cos that’s the last thing I wanna – but even “idiot” has a conflict in mind over it’s definition. Like how I thought being an optimist = idiot. But now I don’t know, sometimes I still think it is, ultimately, I REALLY DON’T KNOW.

Labels: is there really any signs or signals in this disrupted world? i am feeling distraught.

♥ 8:41 PM

well, i am.

Labels: doesn't matter where i am

♥ 12:37 AM

Saturday, April 16, 2011

to be positive took me much arduous struggle.

but is there really such a thing as indomitable spirit?

because as far, as much as i know and see, everyone falls.

everyone loses themselves from time to time, and you can never guarantee that one really has an indomitable spirit, because this is what happens: circumstances change, things come and go, life happens. i'm pretty sure i'm gonna do more stuff than this, just, when?

♥ 10:33 PM

Thursday, March 03, 2011

http://www.southbeachdiet.com/sbd/publicsite/how-it-works/how-it-works.aspx

south beach diet seems good.

seems realistic and very plausible,

and smart.

i embark on my journey.. :) :) :) :)

♥ 11:19 PM

Saturday, February 26, 2011

feelings accompanied by thoughts that amazes me with such thoughts and concepts as a result of thinking.

which maybe in the first place..

did i really even do.

♥ 10:42 PM

Monday, February 21, 2011

80's -90's music = BEST

♥ 10:46 PM

Friday, February 18, 2011

what a strange

`thought

`feeling

`thing.

♥ 10:35 PM

Sunday, January 30, 2011

the pain in doing the same painless routines over and over again.

Being coerced into making some decision isn't a choice.

i must be mentally sane to know i'm not becoming one, so am i really more sane or insane?

a world defined by hierarchy only makes the world speed faster(rates).

status, competition. not good or bad? just how? we all compete..

...interest mixed with value and some structural, relationship maybe data conflicts??

Man Vs. Man

Man Vs. Nature

Man Vs. Self

Man Vs. Society

Man Vs. Destiny/Fate

"When fight begins within himself, a man's worth something." - Sir Frederick Browning

"The greatest foes, and whom we must chiefly combat, are within." - Miguel De Cervantes

"It's surprising how many persons go through life without ever recognizing that their feelings toward other people are largely determined by their feelings toward themselves, and if you're not comfortable within yourself, you can't be comfortable with others." - Sidney J. Harris

"A Native American elder once described his own inner struggles in this manner: Inside of me there are two dogs. One of the dogs is mean and evil. The other dog is good. The mean dog fights the good dog all the time. When asked which dog wins, he reflected for a moment and replied, The one I feed the most. On Other Peoples Expectations: The only man who behaved sensibly was my tailor; he took my measurement anew every time he saw me, while all the rest went on with their old measurements and expected them to fit me." - George Bernard Shaw

you want,

but you can't,

but you really can,

but you don't want to

because you can't although you really wish you could,

YOU WANT,

but you just can't,

not that you really cannot,

it's just not the way you want?

you want it,

but it's just SO HARD.

you need more than you can do as well,

but there's more you can do but you can never reach the limit..?

>>>>>>>>>>>> you know what i mean?

oh the irony in life and of life.

what exactly should life be?

yet some irony would not exist without the cause and effect of something you realised was ironic.

in confusion, i just wish to think simple when i'm done..

Labels: relinquished for awhile? strange.

♥ 11:03 PM

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

why do i need someone to tell me when the world echoes it to me each day.

everyone is moving and improving except for me.

just thought i could go slower and not rush my life.

am i supposed to be moving as fast a pace as others?

isn't life not about this? yet everyone good tells me the same but is doing another.

i can't understand or define this.

i don't know what the right and wrong is here.

right is usually clearly different from the wrong.

but what is this?

what should i do..because i always seem to be doing the wrong, even if it's the right.

what??

how do i make things how i wish it could be.

why do i have to try so hard to be able to understand things people can understand without much thought.

i know the pain, but they show the pain, as if it would help them.

why not they just mention it less and focus more?

more on the things that would make the pain worthwhile.

how can i concentrate when everything needs to be focused on.

i would forget about my life.

i would forget what i'm doing all these for,

i would forget what the main goal is,

i would lose myself in the process of making someone myself.

what for?

what??

what?

am i doing.

what.

too many things.

too little time.

that's not true but proven with mistakes yes it is.

proven with the lost of a real life with open-mindedness and peace,

and just focusing on what life should be and is.

but now it's only flooded with useless useful things of what?

everything. but what is the root cause?

what is it that is giving the 'what's the discomfort in asking them.

why is pretty useless.

what???

- i say i do not know. i do. i just can't help but wonder what if, and why, and how. because only being human, i expect to do things for a reason, i need to have an intended outcome, i need to be assured and have planned, to expect something.

But somethings, i guess. maybe, they just don't need/require or have a reason.

today maybe i really am unsure inside.

yeah, due to the word 'maybe' from the above sentence, i am proven to be unsure for sure.

♥ 8:11 PM

Sunday, January 23, 2011

i want to go to islands.

i want to go to kangaroo island, easter island, bora bora island, st. lucia, ..and alot more.

islands. paradises.

island hopping.

i want to go to all places.

i want to go to the caribbean.

hopefully, i'll start with blue rays kangaroo island!

- http://www.blueraylodge.com.au/

haha maybe not. some have the money to afford, i don't.

♥ 7:31 PM

Friday, January 21, 2011

irish bands. some are actually really great.

WESTLIFE (gotta LOVE)

the script!

boyzone

................ yeah. i want to travel there.

i want to see places in this world!

haha right.

but i'm just someone with not much money or talent, looks brain whatever right?

oh well.

training tomorrow, then chinese tuition, then math+chem tuition.

great... typical speedy singaporean student life huh?

♥ 11:17 PM

Thursday, January 06, 2011

whether you believe if you can do it or not, you're right.

♥ 9:25 PM

Sunday, December 19, 2010

having one of those days. having one of those days when everything seems to go wrong. and even if not, everything seems to just suck. when life really just seems like a bitch. like you can't do any shit with the lemons cos you've no blender, no energy, no, nothing.. and you just gotta experience the sourness and deal with the feeling of something wrinkling every bit of cell you have left to thirst for more yet all you get are more lemons thrown like a slap of disgrace to your face.

having one of those days whereby i doubt, i get so agitated, i do not want to think but i end up doing more of. is it some bullshit mood swing that happens every now and then? i'm too tired yet i have this energy, right now, and doesn't it seem to be of any worth? i ended up typing this. it's just weird. often i wonder if people actually ponder over things like these like i do. and feel all "life-y". it's not a good or bad thing. but it's just..really i don't know. no one cares, neither do i. yet everyone still does. like it's significantly insignificant. just the way everyday-life is. not easy, yet you can't say it's so hard, you could die, i mean, it's life! what? i don't get it, i can't explain it. oh well. sleep, wake up and tomorrow should be better.

i still haven't studied and i really need to. I REALLY HOPE MY KNEE GETS BETTER SOON, LIKE REALLY SOON, LIKE TOMORROW, OR LIKE NOW. FINE, LIKE TOMORROW MORNING, NAH, TONIGHT. right. i should study tomorrow. need to slim down. sigh. i miss new zealand. i miss the feeling when holidays were only starting. 2010 is really fast. fastest year ever to me. wow.

Labels: gotta have determination(exclamation mark exclamation mark)

♥ 11:09 PM

Friday, December 17, 2010

Carolyn Evans-Hale September 22 at 7:53am

2 Samuel 22: 31

As for the God, his way is perfect. All the Lord’s promises prove true.

Confidence comes easy when everything we touch turns to gold, but what about the times when life feels more like a prison cell than a palace? Don’t make the mistake of associating God’s presence with success, because unlike many things, God presence and power are not seasonal but constant.

Gen 39: 2 The Lord was with Joseph and blessed him greatly.

After being betrayed and sold by his brothers Joseph arrives in Egypt, alone and far from home. Even in the worst time of Joseph’s life God was with him, working all things together for good. Gods’ promise to Joseph was just as certain in the prison cell as it was when he rose to the highest place.

Suffering does not cast doubt upon God’s goodness and power but rather it creates an opportunity for God to demonstrate his goodness and power in our lives.

During the prison season, Joseph served others with an excellent spirit. He wasn’t a burden in the prison cell, he lifted the burden of others, he didn’t curse God he lead people to God. What is your current season producing in you? - Frustration, bitterness, anger, resentment or patience, perseverance, persistence and strength.

Joseph lived his season well and in God’s time, Joseph’s went from a prison cell into a palace.

…As far as I am concerned, God turned into good what you meant for evil. He brought me to the high position I have today so I could save the lives of many people. Gen 50:20

Keys to faith: Confidence comes when we define our lives according to God's word. His way is perfect!

♥ 1:43 PM

Thursday, December 16, 2010

why do you keep bringing me down.

why do you never believe that i can ever succeed in anything.

you keep crushing my hopes of being even just an average person,

i feel that you only believe i can be below an average person in life.

you don't let me get the chance to do things i know i can.

i'm not being unreasonable, i'm not being unrealistic.

come on.

why can't i get some support from you?

after coming back from youth camp, i already faced so many shits, now this.

what is home?

1. A place where one lives; a residence.

2. The physical structure within which one lives, such as a house or apartment.

3. A dwelling place together with the family or social unit that occupies it; a household.

a. An environment offering security and happiness.

b. A valued place regarded as a refuge or place of origin.

5. The place, such as a country or town, where one was born or has lived for a long period.

6. The native habitat, as of a plant or animal.

7. The place where something is discovered, founded, developed, or promoted; a source.

8. A headquarters; a home base.

a. Baseball Home plate.

b. Games Home base.

10. An institution where people are cared for: a home for the elderly.

11. Computer Science

a. The starting position of the cursor on a text-based computer display, usually in the upper left corner of the screen.

b. A starting position within a computer application, such as the beginning of a line, file, or screen or the top of a chart or list.

-------------------------------------------

try living, learning to keep loving, laughing, letting go & holding on.

life is life. whatever will happen, you don't really know.

mind over matter. when i know i can achieve something, i know i can. I AM STRONG. & as long as i live, i'll keep growing stronger.

Labels: behind these layers of blubber

♥ 10:56 PM

Wednesday, December 01, 2010

it's horrible to stay home/indoors the whole day.

i feel sick.

gosh. this unfreshness.

i want to leave singapore to somewhere where i'd love to breathe. not need.

♥ 4:33 PM

Monday, November 29, 2010

days swiftly come and go

omg so few people are attending youth camp. that sucks!

i'm sad..nah. just kidding i'm not. (: HAHA.

anyway, i'm starting to workout twice as much as usual! WHOOPEE.

i feeel lazy but enthusiastic about things now.

gah. mixed feelings about doing things. HAHA.

okay none of that was even funny.

anywaywayway.. i'm bored. and thirsty.

so i'm going to get off my lazy ass now and get water bye.

Labels: are you afraid of being afraid? don't be cos it's the same as being afraid of that something you think you're afraid of being afraid of. well you actually are afraid of it then.

♥ 6:44 PM